Huckabee Post 2.0

Just got finished watching the Republican debate on CNN (which, for the most part, just made me hate Youtube even more) and I have to say...

Between John McCain being unelectable, Mitt Romney being a greasy douchebag, Rudy Giuliani being... Rudy Giuliani and those other two guys having whatever issues they have (I choose not to mention Fred Thompson), Mike Huckabee is indeed the candidate least offensive to my sensibilities. I'll still vote McCain in the primary, but I have this sad, sad feeling that even though he'd leave bootprints all up and down Hillary Clinton, he hasn't a hope in Hell of getting to the general election in the first place.

I have no problem saying I feel uncomfortable voting for someone because they used to be a Baptist Minister. Mormonism might be weird, but every open Baptist I've ever met has been an asshole. I'm not even using hyperbole. I've never met a Baptist (who was openly Christian/Baptist) who wasn't just a complete cock about it and wasn't all hepped up on sticking his ass into my business.

Still, better than Bitch, Car Dealer, and Igmo. Guess which three Democrat candidates I'm referring to and win no prize whatsoever!


As a footnote, Keira Knightley is fucking hideous. I've seen people with AIDS, cancer, and polio (at the same time) who were more tappable. I want to punch her for being able to be so hot but instead looking like an anemic twelve-year-old boy a G.I. tract filled with tapeworms.

Something I did just to prove I'm a massive fucking nerd...

This blog is now powered with Wowhead tooltips. Yeah...

Pontiff's Pantaloons of Prophecy

I just randomly felt like doing that.

It breaks my heart...

... that Mike Huckabee hasn't a hope in Hell of being elected.



Let's think about our other options:
Mitt Romney: I have no problem admitting I won't vote for a Mormon. Mormonism is fucking crazy by Christianity standards. Seriously, read into that stuff, you will shit a brick. Plus, he looks like the kind of man who bathes in Aqua Velva.

Fred Thompson: Besides looking like Franken Berry (I'm not stealing that from The Daily Show, he honest-to-God looks like Franken Berry) and having the personality of a spent roll of paper towels, he has no real political stance on... you know... things. Can anyone name anything this guy is for except things people don't like? If I wanted waffles, I'd go to IHOP. I'm so witty.

Rudy Giuliani: Beside being a one-trick pony who's out of touch with the bizarre Republican base (which, in an ironic twist, is just as out of touch with reality as Rudy Giuliani), he's unelectable in a good chunk of the south because, really, who out there is going to vote en masse for an Italian unless it's against Hillary? Plus, he looks like a fucking goblin in a suit. A poorly-tailored suit.

Ron Paul: What with the car salesman, Franken Berry, and Rumpelstiltskin, Ron Paul has, at best, a snowball's chance in Hell of winning the nomination. Sadly, Ron Paul is a solid, decent human being with no glaring personality faults that make him truly unelectable... which is why he doesn't get any press.


Thank God the Antichrist (Hillary Clinton, if you're too stupid to see the signs) will give anyone she runs against a decent chance of winning. I'd vote for Ted Nugent wearing a suit made entirely of baby seal faces just to keep Hillary Clinton out of office.


Oh, and Pakistan is blowing up or some crap, but like every other American, I apparently care more about Kanye West's mother ignoring sound medical advice, seeking surgery anyway, and then dying for her stupidity. Apparently rap doesn't make you immune to bullets or cardiac arrest. Tupac and Donda (or whatever) West have much to teach us.

Advice for Fired SNL Staff

So I heard things are kind of rough for you guys.

This writer's strike would probably concern me if not for the fact most mainstream writer's are lazy hacks, that goes double for Saturday Night Live's fail-prone staff of retards and asshats. The fact of the matter is that the shows these people write for do well and are viewed on the internet not because they're clever, creative writers, it's that the American viewing audience is made up largely of easily-entertained morons who are also ugly and probably have lackluster records in the area of hygiene.

Writers should get no bonuses for internet viewing.

Continuation

It's totally our business to be building missile defense platforms in other countries. Russia wants to defend itself against the growing radical threat that is Iran, a threat that our country acknowledges, and we say, "Oh no sir, you may not! We'll haul ass into other countries and start all kinds of shit for terrorists who attack us, but it'll be a balmy day in Moscow when you Vodka-chugging assholes do anything prevent terrorists states from attacking you."

Obviously, there is indeed a problem with allowing anyone to build up a nuclear "defense" against anyone, because by God, that's just overkill in the most literal sense possible. Plus, if you can't beat the shit out of some pissant sand-hole led by a militant whackjob with conventional weapons, you just aren't trying hard enough.

On top of that, there's such a thing as Mutually-Assured Destruction. Now, everyone who's not a complete retard will know that Iran cannot possibly bomb all of Russia without nukes (heh...), but Russia? I'm pretty sure they could bomb it to glass with the Mighty Ducks (Disney ones) of their bombs. Remember how that team was all fat kids, losers, and nerds? That's right. Russia's loser bombs could still kick the living Hell out of Iran. A hot plate of MAD (read, "You bomb us, you'll be converted into a slightly-charred skeleton") may well be what it takes for the Iranian people to stand up against Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's stupid hat.

That's right, it's a stupid hat.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, ALICE, I'M IN AMERICA, CAN'T CHOP MY HEAD OFF HERE.

Also, your Arthur Fonzarelli impersonation sucks.




Aaay!

Today's Post Brought to You by the Letter E

As in Evil.

Now, he may be evil, but damnit, I like him. In fact, I love Vladimir Putin. As long a he doesn't go crazy and decide to blow us up or really any members of the potentially good parts of society (read, "anyone who doesn't stone women to death for showing more than the two square inches of skin immediately surrounding the eyes"), he's doing a damn fine job. The potential for regional influence for resolving the Islamic issue of Russia is unmatched by any other nation. Frankly, I don't think any nation with a reason to do anything has the ability and the resolve. We're too busy caring about... I dunno... America-stuff.

Also, try to ignore any potentially off-colour jokes about the Jerusalem Post's internet edition being filled with scads of adverts. Anti-Semetism is wrong. Funny. But wrong.

As for Putin's move to create a new Mother Russia and potentially end their experiment with total democracy? I rather support it. Hey, Russia loves Vladimir Putin, and he loves Russia. I know it's something that Americans have a hard time with understanding (like math, but with vodka) sometimes, but there can be systems other than representative democracy that work, depending on the people who live under that system. It's one of those "whatever tickles your pickle" things. As I not-so-subtly hinted to above, as long as you're not going around and blowing people up all willy-nilly, hey, have fun with your fascism, I hope it works out for you.

This idea that we, as a country, cannot and will not cooperate with nations that do not march in lock step with our particular governmental habit of democracy is sort of ironic, given the way in which that idea itself removes freedom from nations who would very much like to associate with us. Let's be really honest, Russia has been around for... ever, and America sort of stopped being a punkass rebel state "for real" in 1812, so we're swinging our just-post-pubescent balls around mightily firmly for someone who just got the right to use the big boy public showers.

What can be gleaned from that? Freedom is a wonderful thing, but only if it's the right kind of freedom that's spelled with a capital F, because that's the good kind of Freedom that means a politician who doesn't wear a ninety-nine cent MOTHERFUCKING LAPEL PEN ON HIS GODDAMN SUIT IS WORSE THAN A NAZI AND IS A NEWS STORY THAT REQUIRES CONSTANT FUCKING COVERAGE ON ALL OF THE MAJOUR NEWS SOURCES, JESUS CHRIST IN A HANDBAG, HOW STUPID ARE WE?

Oh, and apparently planting flags at the bottom of the ocean isn't a hollow gesture.

I need to lie down now...

Political Tease Finally Makes Up Mind

Oh Newtie, you naughty, naughty boy. It looks like you've finally decided no one would actually vote for you. Actually, you probably didn't decide jack squat.

Newt Gingrich saying he "decided" not to make a run for the Presidency is like the ugliest, fattest, bucked-toothiest girl at school saying she "decided" not to get a date for the prom. I daresay I question Gingrich's political relevance outside of being a half-ass pundit (a caste given to him when Fox News needs a guest and Asian hottie Michelle Malkin is busy proving Republicans field the hotter babes) and hawker of countless asinine books centering their content on how much this country and its leadership wouldn't suck if people listened to him.

Spoiler: Nobody does.

On top of his uselessness as a political figure, Gingrich actually had the balls to say that he would run if he received thirty-million dollars in campaign pledges. It's worth noting that no candidate has ever received that many contributions that quickly. Ever.

I'd question Gingrich's self-esteem, but I'm pretty sure he's living in a dimension in which every city that doesn't have an eighty-foot-tall bronze statue in his Herculean likeness is burned to the ground for its unforgivable heresy. I'll give Gingrich this much though, the only politico I can think of with more balls is John McCain. Mind you, Gingrich is delusional and McCain is bat-shit insane (I'd vote for him), so it's like the Thunderdome on crazy pills when it comes to a competition involving those two.

ATTN: Al Qaeda

I'd like to join now please.

Why?

Because I hate America now that I've seen this.

Why I'm Worse Than Hitler

I'm not making a post about 9/11 today.

Anyway, I'd just like to say something...


There are some things in this world I wouldn't be caught dead buying.

Maybe my diet is just that "tender" or perhaps I just have gentle movements, but either way, there are some products that you don't want to be man enough to require. I have never, ever, had an issue with my hygienic paper breaking down on the job.

Well, barring that outdoorsy, barely-there, single-ply, rapid-degrading stuff. It's like trying to wipe with the Shroud of Turin; the stuff just crumbles in your hands.


Also, what the fuck do bears and toilet paper have to do with one-another?

Bin Laden Hits World Trade Center, Grecian Formula

Personally, I don't think this chap in the new video looks anything like previous pictures of Osama Bin Laden.

Unless he's somehow taken a disfiguring injury to the face and not died from complications therein (which is a bit of a logical leap, given what are likely to be his living conditions), I'm fairly sure that's not him.

But hey, that's just me.

Sometimes You Can Judge a Book by Its Cover...

Or its excessively huge forehead.

Whatever.

Maybe it's just me, but I know I wouldn't take massive amounts of money from a man who looks like he rapes kittens. Not that Clinton herself is all that attractive (or her sequoia-esque legs for that matter), but the point still stands, you probably don't want to be seen in a crowd full of cretins, unless you are o-

Ah. Makes sense now.

CNN and Insurance

Ok, so I'm watching the CNN and they're talking about how these people lost their homes to floods and such buuut their homes weren't insured for flood damage. Everyone's acting like the insurance company is the bad guy here.

Maybe I'm a heartless capitalist on the level of Dick Cheney (there's no "maybe" about it), but isn't it, you know, on the head of the consumer to make sure they're buying what they want? All one has to do is ask, "Excuse me, does this policy cover flood damage?"

Easy as that.

Now mind you, for the majourity of my childhood, we did not have insurance against flood damage because our house was about a thousand feet above sea level and around seven-hundred feet above the level of the lake. My folks sort of figure that if water was getting to our house, flood-wise, losing our shit was the least of our concern, as we'd be more worried about some old Jewish dude making fun of us from his boat full of animals.


As a footnote, I want Reena Ninan's sex.

I don't quite understand...

... this fad. This video explains it pretty well though.

I'd like to note...

I'm not dead, but Windows Vista is an aneurysm in a box. I'll be returning in the near future.

This week in "Who's Burning Like a Tire Fire in Hell"...

Jerry Falwell is d-e-d dead. I'd like to thank God for making this possible, but props to Satan, too, because he'll be putting up with that son of a bitch for the next eternity or so.

To quote the Associated Press, I'm to understand that a "history of heart challenges" includes being a fat bastard.

Edit:
Expect a parody of the report within the day. I believe it was Worf who said, "Today is a good day for Jerry Falwell to die."

You have much to teach us.


Mr. Falwell as seen just prior to consuming an entire turkey in under five minutes.

It's Mother's Day

If you haven't at least called your mother to say you love her, Woodrow Wilson hates you.

Me? I have a Jewish mother, so I've been at home since Friday. That's right, I'm better than all of you. Choke on that, Internet.

So yes, happy Mother's Day.


Woodrow Wilson as seen shortly after hearing his "momma so fat she block out the Sun" and shortly before curb-stomping some jive turkeys.

Something you don't want as the last thing you watch before sleeping...

Cinco de Mayo

Is it wrong to celebrate a Mexican holiday with a German beer? Meh, doesn't matter.

On a less-important point, this almost amuses me. Now God knows her narrow ass will ever spend a day in jail, but I still like the mental image of a scared, makeup-free Hilton, clutching her bundle of linens, being led through the block as muscular women are shouting out hoots and cat-calls. Though she's not going to one of those rough, lesbian, women's prisons that totally isn't some kind of sick, rough lesbian sex fantasy of mine, the mental image still makes me grin.

Can you tell I don't like her?


P.S.
If you happen two be two female Asian nurses with the badonkadonk, contact me at...

This is my sexual fetish

Quite possibly the best concept for a website ever. Even if it isn't, it kicks the shit out of mine.

Old as Hell

But always wonderful.

Huwuff

First off, I'm gonna be honest, some people who know personally know I like girls who the media would call "chubby" at the very least. I like a girl to at be healthy, and to be really honest, I'd rather (biblically) know a woman is fat than one with pelvic bones you could hang a coat on (read skinny).

I have a few other criteria (read "no skanks") that certainly come in to play now and then, but for the most part, none of those matter with what I'm going to talk about here.

Note the before and after here. Supposedly she got up to 267 at her max which is certainly on the large side. Don't get me wrong, if you're not healthy and you're overweight, you'd probably do best to lose some weight. That being said, 150 pounds in a year is a lot of weight in a short span of time. Hate to break it to the dieting world, but ten pounds a month is pretty impressive, any more than that and it's probably not a good thing to be doing to your body without a doctor watching you like a hawk.

Monologue about the weight loss aside...

Note how she's rail thin, but more importantly...

Could she not have lost the weight without ending up looking like a total skank?

I can't say she was ever my cup of tea (skank, etc.), but now? Good God. Besides that, any good plastic surgeon (note the horrifying breasts) would have suggested a nose job before sewing cantaloupes into her.

Random Note

While Blogger is letting me use Zulu/UTC/GMT time, I'm sad that I can't use 24-hour format for that extra flair. Oh well.

I know it's wrong to laugh at other people's misfortune, but...

This whole BlackBerry thing is giving me the grins.

I'm not bashing the tech generation, God knows I feed it myself, but the fact that there are indeed people wigging out about this is awesome.

Part of this scare, even though it wasn't as severe and interruption as it could have been, was more about a potential danger. With eight-million customers to this service worldwide, a huge swath of those people being in the financial districts of companies and markets (The Guardian notes that there were worries in the stock markets of the US and UK about a lack of communication for major deals), one would have to wonder what would happen if this was worse. Given that the American market can void its metaphysical bowels over nothing. Let's not forget that there was a talk about skyrocketing natural gas prices over something that happens on at least a monthly basis anyway. Since the story completely evaporated after it turned out to just be a huge wad of mindless hype, many people might not remember that nothing happened.

God only knows what could happen if something with an actual impact occurred. In the meantime, I don't really have a problem chuckling at the mental image of men in suits swearing at a little plastic thing because they can't check their e-mail.