Political Tease Finally Makes Up Mind

Oh Newtie, you naughty, naughty boy. It looks like you've finally decided no one would actually vote for you. Actually, you probably didn't decide jack squat.

Newt Gingrich saying he "decided" not to make a run for the Presidency is like the ugliest, fattest, bucked-toothiest girl at school saying she "decided" not to get a date for the prom. I daresay I question Gingrich's political relevance outside of being a half-ass pundit (a caste given to him when Fox News needs a guest and Asian hottie Michelle Malkin is busy proving Republicans field the hotter babes) and hawker of countless asinine books centering their content on how much this country and its leadership wouldn't suck if people listened to him.

Spoiler: Nobody does.

On top of his uselessness as a political figure, Gingrich actually had the balls to say that he would run if he received thirty-million dollars in campaign pledges. It's worth noting that no candidate has ever received that many contributions that quickly. Ever.

I'd question Gingrich's self-esteem, but I'm pretty sure he's living in a dimension in which every city that doesn't have an eighty-foot-tall bronze statue in his Herculean likeness is burned to the ground for its unforgivable heresy. I'll give Gingrich this much though, the only politico I can think of with more balls is John McCain. Mind you, Gingrich is delusional and McCain is bat-shit insane (I'd vote for him), so it's like the Thunderdome on crazy pills when it comes to a competition involving those two.

ATTN: Al Qaeda

I'd like to join now please.

Why?

Because I hate America now that I've seen this.

Why I'm Worse Than Hitler

I'm not making a post about 9/11 today.

Anyway, I'd just like to say something...


There are some things in this world I wouldn't be caught dead buying.

Maybe my diet is just that "tender" or perhaps I just have gentle movements, but either way, there are some products that you don't want to be man enough to require. I have never, ever, had an issue with my hygienic paper breaking down on the job.

Well, barring that outdoorsy, barely-there, single-ply, rapid-degrading stuff. It's like trying to wipe with the Shroud of Turin; the stuff just crumbles in your hands.


Also, what the fuck do bears and toilet paper have to do with one-another?

Bin Laden Hits World Trade Center, Grecian Formula

Personally, I don't think this chap in the new video looks anything like previous pictures of Osama Bin Laden.

Unless he's somehow taken a disfiguring injury to the face and not died from complications therein (which is a bit of a logical leap, given what are likely to be his living conditions), I'm fairly sure that's not him.

But hey, that's just me.

Sometimes You Can Judge a Book by Its Cover...

Or its excessively huge forehead.

Whatever.

Maybe it's just me, but I know I wouldn't take massive amounts of money from a man who looks like he rapes kittens. Not that Clinton herself is all that attractive (or her sequoia-esque legs for that matter), but the point still stands, you probably don't want to be seen in a crowd full of cretins, unless you are o-

Ah. Makes sense now.